When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk