*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Sharon I have some bad news
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.