For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
You Might Also Like
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Finished stitching this today 😇
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
nature’s most graceful animal
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting