Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*