Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Tastes like chicken.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car