if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
This why you should mind your business
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.