I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
bears
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
and now we wait
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.