“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
We have a winner.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”