My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”