The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
three things we don’t talk about
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer