Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.