My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Called it
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Lmao
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise