My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear