If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
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Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.