Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
goldfish mafia
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If I ignore life will it go away?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.