Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Otters see a butterfly.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs