*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
😲 WTF? 😆
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.