Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying