oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
liiiiiiiiike
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
*puts my mental health in rice
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.