In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun