Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
You Might Also Like
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The old gods are rising again.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
That’s amazing.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs