So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10