Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke