Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”