I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry