I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
#CatsOnTwitter
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?