There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Smile they said.