ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
What about a To-Don’t List?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.