I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
why isn’t he texting back
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.