[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.