detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.