Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.