Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
yeet
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Vodka burrito was a success
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.