Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Your honor these allegations are
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING