I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Worst perfume name ever.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony