A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
You Might Also Like
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Digital security in Ancient Troy
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice