If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Ion see the issue
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My birthstone is a marshmallow