Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.