Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.