Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
japanese corn
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*gets down on one knee*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.