This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker