Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.