That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.