“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
You Might Also Like
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*