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one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, βwhat are you doing here?β
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
COP: you canβt hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come youβre so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
In high school I was best known as βHey whatβs your friends name?β
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and Iβll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My friend had her baby at home and I canβt even give myself a manicure at home
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum βyou must have the wrong houseβ [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] βSarah died thirteen years ago last night.β
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my childrenβs childing.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[date]
HER: ok letβs both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobodyβs fault and none of us could have predicted this
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.