“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no