Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
the simulation is moving too fast
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Somebody call the cops.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.