[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
R.I.P.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.