Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.