waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney